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One of my first-loved OST songs...from the TV series, 이브의 모든것. Honestly, I wasn't really attracted with the drama's story at first, but with 장동건, and with my undying adoration for the very beautiful actress, 김소연. I've been her fan since I saw her with the TV ice-hockey inspired drama, Icing, also along with 장동건. In fairness, the drama is not bad at all...:) And not to forget the lovely voices who sang the song, 핑클, of which the pretty members are 이효리, 옥주현, 성유리, and 이진 [the least prettiest hahaha]. 꿈이 아니라고 말해요 내가 숨을 쉬고 있어요 거울처럼 그대 안에 비춰진 날 보았죠 더 이상은 세상 속에서 작고 나약하지 않아요 언제나 내 곁에 그대가 함께 있는 한 true love 내 사랑을 true heart 난 믿어요 진실한 사랑을 지켜가요 내가 그대 손을 놓쳐도 아무 걱정하지 말아요 우리 함께 걸어가고 있는걸 잊었나요 나를 믿어주는 마음이 내게는 힘이 되어 주는 걸 언제나 내 곁에 그대가 함께 있는 한 true love 내 사랑을 true heart 난 믿어요 진실한 사랑이라는 걸 수많은 환상 속에서 눈 뜰수 없는 나를 깨워주는 아침으로 그대를 기억해요 you're my light true love 내 사랑을 true heart 난 믿어요 진실한 사랑이란걸 true love 내 사랑을 true heart 난 믿어요 진실한 사랑이란걸 true love 내 사랑을 true heart 난 믿어요 진실한 사랑이라는 걸 Tags: fave songs
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I almost forgot this afternoon that we're supposed to play sis's bingo cards...it's already 12:45nn when I started to move - took a shower, took a few gulps and bites of these ----  and ran to the clubhouse hehehe. The game started at 2pm and ended at 3:30pm. Still have time to run to Fiona's taekwondo class! Only her and Noriel attended today. I took a Calvin and Hobbes with me, but it was so a lazy day that I started to get sleepy...as usual, I took a nap at the nook hahaha. After the class, we dropped by Wasabi Sushi Bar and bought mixed sushi, then jumped to 7-11 for some Slurpee hehehe  Only me, sis and Fiona finished the sushis...the guys here at home are very maarte and maselan...they don't like anything Chinese, Japanese or Korean :@ hehehe Fiona almost 'adopted' this kitty [we had a 'meeting' while on our way to her tkd class]...I noticed he's soooo dirty, his left ear's pierced and lotsa wounds and bald spots...:(   she named her Gary [after Spongebob's pet snail :D]. We asked Joey to feed him before we left and after we came back home. We planned to clean him and apply ointment on his fresh wounds ['know how stray cats are ;)] but when bro-in-law kinda smelled we 2 were up to something, he firmly said 'no more adoptions!' - meaning we can't let Gary in the house. So sad... Tags: guilty pleasures, happy moments, pets, sad moments
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1 bundle water spinach bowl of cold water ¼ cup cornstarch 2 egg whites cooking oil for deep fat frying mayonnaise seasoning sauce chopped garlic pepper to taste Remove water spinach leaves from the stems and washvery well. Soak in a bowl of cold water. Pat dry each water spinach leaf with paper towels. Combine cornstarch and egg whites in a bowl and beat with a wire whip. Dip eachdried leaf in the batter. Fry leaves on both sides in heated cooking oil until coating hardens or is light brown. Drain cooked water spinach leaves on paper towels. Serve with prepared mayonnaise dip. To prepare mayonnaise dip, mix together mayonnaise, seasoning sauce, chopped garlic and pepper. If mayonnaise dip is not desired, flavor the batter of the water spinach leaves with seasoning sauce, chopped garlic and pepper. Spinach leaves may also be used.  Credits: Food Magazine [recipe] gastronomyblog.com [photo] Tags: guilty pleasures, recipes
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I found Ben on Skype today and I'm so happy I did.I complained to him how much the paint caused me headaches these past few days...still do...:( We talked about Silver, Yiyit and George. I also told him about my dream. It was comical like the other dreams I had. Hey that does mean I'm a comic?! :D They'll have an inspection tomorrow and their graduation on Friday. Oh how nice! After all the hardships...Ben will graduate! I'm so happy for him ~~~ I was in a playful mood to keep him guessing what confession I'll tell him...but only after a few guesses, he got it right! He'll make a good psychic hahahaha ~~~ I also asked if he'd like to have a shot with me, but he politely refused...can't drink coz he'll have to wake up early...so it's just me who drank :D Champagne...yum ~ one of my faves! ;)  I was alternately chatting and cooking at the same time [well, I seasoned what Joey looked after hahaha]. We had beef caldereta...it's been a long time since we last had it...so...hehehe  I needed to stop chatting and be considerate - bears need to sleep too :D They have a nice climate, and so do we! )) It's raining right now and I wanna savor thecold breeze, so after saying goodbye to the sleepy bear, I went outside and sat where I won't get wet, with George playing the umbrella. :D     After we got tired of squatting outside, George and I went for some potato chips. I know, I know....this is called cheating...but my lovely sis gave me this..how can I resist??? :D  Tags: guilty pleasures, happy moments, pets
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On the other hand, men generally have little awareness of how distant they’ve become when they’re in their cave. As a man recognizes how withdrawing into his cave may affect a woman, he can be more compassionate when she feels neglected and unimportant. To increase consideration, both men and women need to understand each other better.
When a man begins to ignore his wife, she often takes it personally. Knowing he’s coping with stress in his own way is extremely helpful but does not always help her alleviate the pain. At such times, she may feel the need to talk about these feelings. This is when it’s important for the man to validate her feelings. He needs to understand that she has a right to talk about her feelings just as he has a right to withdraw into his cave and not talk. If she doesn’t feel understood, then it’s difficult for her to release her hurt and accept his differences.
When women talk about problems, men usually resist. A man assumes she’s talking with him about her problems because she’s holding him responsible. The more problems, the more he feels blamed. He doesn’t realize that she’s talking to feel better. A man doesn’t know that she would appreciate it greatly if he would just listen. Men become impatient when women talk about problems in great detail. He thinks that all the details are necessary for him to find a solution to her problem. He struggles to find the relevance and becomes impatient. The more details she gives, the more he’s frustrated while listening. His frustration is lessened if he could remember that she is greatly benefiting by talking about the details. This is something important to her.
Something a woman can do to make it a little easier for men is to let him know in advance the outcome of the story and then go back and give the details. Avoid keeping him in suspense. If a woman can remind a man that she just wants to talk about her problems and then he doesn’t have to solve any of them. It can help him to relax and just listen.
Centuries before the Martians and Venusians got together, they’ve been quite happy living in their separate worlds. Then one day everything changed. The Martians and Venusians suddenly became depressed. It was this depression that motivated them eventually to come together. Understanding the secrets of their transformation helps us today to recognize how men and women are motivated in different ways. With this new awareness, you will be better equipped to support your partner as well as get the support you need at difficult and stressful times.
Let’s go back in time and pretend to witness what happened. When the Martians became depressed, everyone in the planet left the cities and went to their caves for a long time. They were stuck and couldn’t come out. Until one day when a Martian happened to glimpse the beautiful Venusians through his telescope. The sight of these beautiful beings inspired the Martians and they felt their depression miraculously left. Suddenly they felt needed. They came out of their caves and began building spaceships to fly to Venus.
When the Venusians became depressed, to feel better, they formed circles and began talking with one another about their problems but this didn’t seem to relieve the depression. They stayed depressed for a long time until through their intuition, they experienced a vision. Strong and wondrous beings, the Martians, will be coming across the universe to love, serve and support them. Suddenly, they felt cherished. Their depression lifted and they happily began preparing for the arrival of the Martians.
Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished. These secrets of motivation are still applicable. When a man does not feel needed in a relationship, he gradually becomes passive and less energized. With each passing day, he has less to give to the relationship. On the other hand, when he feels trusted to do his best to fulfill her needs and appreciate it for his efforts, he’s empowered and has more to give. When a woman doesn’t feel cherished in a relationship, she gradually becomes overly responsible and exhausted from giving too much. On the other hand, when she feels cared for and respected and special, she is fulfilled and has more to give.
When a man is in love, he begins to care about another as much as himself. He experiences his partner’s fulfillment as if it were his own. He can easily endure any hardship to make her happy because her happiness makes him happy. His struggles become easier. He’s energized with a higher purpose. Most men are not only hungry to give love but are starving for it. Their biggest problem is they don’t know what they’re missing. They rarely saw their fathers succeed in fulfilling their mothers’ forgiving.
When his relationships fail, he finds himself depressed and stuck in his cave. He stops caring and then doesn’t know why he’s so depressed. At such times, he asks himself “What is it all for? Why should I even bother?” He doesn’t know that he has stopped caring because he doesn’t feel needed. He doesn’t realize that by finding someone who needs him, he can shake off his depression and be motivated again. Not to be needed is a slow death for men.
Most men have little awareness of how important it is to a woman to feel supported by someone who cares. Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. When a woman is upset, she needs to feel she’s not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished. Empathy, understanding, validation and compassion go a long way to assist her in becoming more receptive and appreciative of his support.
Men don’t realize this because their Martian instincts tell them it’s best to be alone when they’re upset. When she’s upset, out of respect, he will leave her alone. Or if he stays, he makes matters worse by trying to solve her problems. He doesn’t instinctively realize that what she needs most is just someone to be there, someone to listen, someone who cares. A woman’s tendency to become overly responsible relaxes as she remembers that she is worthy of love. She doesn’t have to earn it. She can relax, give less and receive more. She deserves it.
When a woman realizes she’s been giving too much, she tends to blame her partner for her unhappiness. Although she has not received what she deserves, to improve her relationships, she needs to recognize how she contributed to the problem. When a woman gives too much, she should not blame her partner solely for the problem. Likewise, a man who gives less should not blame his partner for being negative or unreceptive to him; blaming does not work.
Understanding, trust, compassion, acceptance and support are the solution; not blaming our partners. When this situation occurs, instead of blaming his partner for being resentful, a man can be compassionate and offer his support. Even if she doesn’t ask for it, listen to her. Even if at first, it sounds like blame, and help her to trust and open up by doing little things for her to show he cares. Instead of blaming a man for giving less, a woman can accept and forgive her partner’s imperfections especially when he disappoints her. Trust, that he wants to give more but he doesn’t know how or he doesn’t realize how important it is and so he doesn’t offer his support. She can also encourage him to give more by appreciating what he does do and continue to ask for his support.
Most important, however, a woman needs to recognize her boundaries of what she can give without later resenting her partner. Instead of giving more and expecting her partner to then even the score, she needs to keep it even by regulating how much she gives. Setting limits and receiving are very scary for a woman. She’s commonly afraid of needing too much and then being rejected or judged, or even abandoned. Deep inside her unconscious, she may hold the incorrect belief that she is unworthy of love particularly if as a child, she witnessed abuse or was directly abused and she’s even more vulnerable to feeling unworthy of love. Hidden in the unconscious, this feeling generates the fear of needing others. Because she is afraid of not being supported, she unknowingly pushes away the support she needs.
When a man receives the message that she doesn’t trust him to fulfill her needs, then he feels immediately rejected and is turned off. Her hopelessness and mistrust transformed her valid needs into desperate expressions of neediness and communicate in the message that she doesn’t trust him to support her. Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed but are turned off by this kind of neediness. At such times, a woman mistakenly assumes that having needs turned him off, when in truth, it is her hopelessness, desperation and mistrust that have done so. Without recognizing that men need to be trusted, it is difficult and confusing for women to understand the difference between needing and neediness. Needing is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner. One that assumes that he will do his best; this empowers him. Neediness, however, is desperately needing support because you don’t trust you’ll get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated.
For women, not only is needing others confusing but being disappointed or feeling abandoned is especially painful, even in the smallest ways. Needing others puts her in a vulnerable position. Being ignored or disappointed hurts more because it affirms the incorrect belief that she is unworthy. When a woman realizes that she truly deserves to be loved, she’s opening the door for a man to give to her. But when it takes her 10 years of over-giving in a marriage to realize that she deserves more, ironically, she feels like closing the door and not giving him the chance. When this is the case, I have to assure women that they don’t have to give more to have a better relationship. Their partner will actually get more if they get more if they give less.
When a man has been ignoring her needs, it’s as though they have both been asleep. When she wakes up and remembers her needs, he also wakes up and wants to give her more. A man’s deepest fear is that he’s not good enough or that he’s incompetent. He compensates for this fear by focusing on increasing his power in competence. Success, achievement and efficiency are foremost in his life. Just as a woman is afraid around receiving, men tend to be afraid around giving. To extend himself in giving to her means to risk failure, correction or even disapproval. These consequences are most painful because deep inside his unconscious, he may hold the incorrect belief that he is not good enough. This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time he thought he was expected to do better.
Ironically, when a man really cares about his partner, his fear failure increases and sometimes he gives less. To avoid failure, he stops giving to the people he wants to give to the most. He appears most uncaring when he’s most afraid. The first step for men in learning how to give is to realize that it’s okay to make mistakes and is okay to fail and he doesn’t have to have all the answers. The phrase ‘I don’t know’ isn’t even in the Martian dictionary.
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When a woman tries to improve a man, he feels she’s trying to fix him; she’s trying to change him. He receives the message that he’s broken. She doesn’t realize her caring attempts to help may actually humiliate him. She mistakenly thinks she’s just helping him to grow. Without this inside into the nature of man, it’s very easy for a woman to unknowingly and unintentionally hurt and offend the man she loves most.
For example, Tom and Mary were going to a party. Tom was driving. After about 20 minutes, and going around the same block a few times, it was clear to Mary that Tom was lost. She finally suggested that he call for help. Tom became very silent. They eventually arrived at the party but the tension from that moment persisted the whole evening. Mary had no idea why Tom was so upset. From her side, she was just saying “I love and care about you so I’m offering this help.” From his side, he was offended. What he heard was “I don’t trust you to get us there. You are incompetent.”
Without knowing about life on Mars, Mary couldn’t appreciate how important it was for Tom to accomplish his goal without help. Offering advice was the ultimate insult. After hearing about Martians and Venusians, Mary learned how to support Tom at such difficult times. The next time he was lost, instead of offering help, she restrained herself from offering any advice. She took a deep, relaxing breath and appreciated in her heart what Tom was trying to do for her. Tom greatly appreciated her warmth and trust. The evening was a great success.
Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to help a man, she has no idea how of critical and unloving she may sound to him. Even though her intent is loving, her suggestions do offend and sometimes hurt. His reactions may be strong, especially if he felt criticized as a child, or experienced his father being criticized by his mother. For many men, it’s important to prove that they can get to their goal, even if it’s a small thing like driving to a restaurant or to a party. Ironically, he may be more sensitive about the little things than the big. His feelings are like these: “If I can’t be trusted to do the small things, like getting us to a party, how can she trust me to do the bigger things?”
Like their Martian ancestors, men pride themselves on being experts, especially when it comes to fixing mechanical things, getting places or solving problems. These are the times when he needs her loving acceptance the most, and not her advice or criticism. Likewise, if a man doesn’t understand how a woman is different, he can make things worse when he’s actually trying to help. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions. So many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he’s helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems.
For example, Mary comes home from an exhausting day. She wants and needs to share her feelings about the day. She says “Hhhhh…there’s so much to do, I don’t have any time for myself.” Tom says “You should quit that job. You don’t have to work so hard. Find something you like to do.” Mary says “But I like my job. They just expect me to change everything in a moment’s notice.” Tom says “Don’t listen to them; just do what you can do.” Mary says “I am! I can’t believe I completely forgot to call my Aunt today. Tom says “Don’t worry about it, she will understand.” Mary says “Do you know what she’s going through? She needs me.” Tom says “You worry too much that’s why you’re so unhappy.” Mary angrily says “I’m not always unhappy! Can’t you just listen to me?!” Tom says “I am listening!” Mary says “Why do I even bother?” After this conversation, Mary was more frustrated than when she arrived home, seeking intimacy and companionship. Tom was also frustrated and had no idea what went wrong. He wanted to help but his problem-solving tactics didn’t work.
Without knowing about life on Venus, Tom didn’t understand how important it was just to listen without offering solutions. His solutions only made things worse. You see, Venusians never offer solutions when someone’s talking about their feelings. When Tom heard about the Venusians and how much they needed to talk, he gradually learned how to listen. When Mary now comes home tired or exhausted, their conversations are quite different. They sound like this. Mary says “There’s so much to do, I have no time for me.” Tom takes a deep breath, relaxes on the exhale, and says “Hmm sounds like you had a hard day.” Mary says “They expect me to change everything in a moment’s notice. I don’t know what to do.” Tom pauses and then says ”Hmmm…” Mary says “I even forgot to call my Aunt.” Tom says with a slightly wrinkled brow “Oh no…” Mary says “She needs me so much now. I feel so bad.” Tom says “You’re such a loving person. Come here. Let me give you a hug.” Tom gives Mary a hug and she relaxes in his arms and then sighed with relief. She then says “I love talking with you. You make me really happy.” And as they finish the hug, she says, “Thanks for listening, I feel much better.” Not only Mary but also Tom felt better. He was amazed how much happier his wife was when he finally learned to listen.
Not everything is wrong with Mr. Fix It or the home improvement committee; these are very positive Martian and Venusian attributes. The mistakes are only in timing and approach. Men need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about their problems, it’s not the time to offer solutions. Women need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticism, especially if he’s just made a mistake, makes him feel unloved and controlled. To learn from his mistakes, he needs to feel her acceptance more than her advice. When a man feels that a woman is not trying to improve him, he’s much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice.
If you’re a woman, I suggest for the next week, practice restraining from giving any unsolicited advice or criticism. The man in your life will not only appreciate it but also will be much more attentive to your needs and responsive. If you’re a man, I suggest that for the next week, you practice listening whenever a woman speaks with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she’s going through. Practice biting your tongue whenever you get the urge to offer solution or change how she’s feeling. You’ll be surprised when you experience how much she appreciates you.
One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times, a man’s needs for feeling good are different from a woman’s. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems. Not understanding and accepting these differences creates unnecessary friction in our relationships.
Here’s a common example. When Tom comes home, he wants to relax and unwind by quietly reading the news. He is stressed by the unsolved problems of his day and finds relief through forgetting about them. His wife Mary also wants to relax from her stressful day. She, however, wants to find relief by talking about the problems of her day. The tension slowly building between them and gradually becomes resentment. Tom secretly thinks Mary talks too much while Mary feels ignored. Without understanding their differences they will grow further apart. This problem can be resolved first by understanding in greater detail how men and women cope with stress.
Let’s again observe life on Mars and Venus and gleam some insights about men and women. When a Martian gets upset, he never talks about what’s bothering him. Instead, he becomes very quiet and goes to his private cave to think about his problem, mulling it over to find a solution. When he has found a solution, he feels much better and comes out of his cave. If he can’t find a solution, then he needs to do something to forget his problems like reading a magazine or playing a game.
This is hard for women to understand because on Venus, sharing your problems with another is an important activity and it is actually considered a sign of love and trust. When a man is stressed, he will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem. As such times, he is powerless to give his partner the attention and communication she needs and deserves. It’s hard for her to be accepting of him at these times because she doesn’t know how stressed he is. If he were to come home and talk about his problems ,then she could be more compassionate.
But when a man is stuck in his cave, the woman resents his not being more open. She feels hurt when he turns on the news or goes outside to play some basketball and ignores her. It’s easy to take it personally To expect a man who’s in his cave instantly to become open, responsive and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who’s upset to immediately calm down and make complete sense.
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Imagine Imagine that men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. One day long ago the Martians, looking through their telescopes discovered the Venusians. Just glimpsing the Venusians awakened feelings they’d never known. They fell in love and quickly invented space travel and flew to Venus. The Venusians welcomed the Martians with open arms. A love between the Venusians and Martians was magical. They’re delighted in being together, doing things together and sharing together. Though from different worlds, they rebelled in their differences. They spent months learning about each other, exploring and appreciating their different needs, preferences and even behavioral patterns. For years they lived together in love and harmony. Then they decided to fly to Earth.
In the beginning, everything was wonderful and beautiful, but the effects of Earth’s atmosphere took hold. And one morning, everyone woke up with a peculiar kind of amnesia, selective amnesia. Both the Martians and Venusians forgot that they were from different planets and were supposed to be different. And one morning, everything they had learned about their differences was erased from their memory. And since that day, men and women had been in conflict.
Without the awareness they were supposed to be different, men and women are odds with each other. We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us, they will react and behave in certain ways – the way we react when we love someone. Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate and react the way men do. Women mistakenly expect men to feel, and communicate and respond the way women do. We’ve forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different. As a result, our relationships are filled with unnecessary friction and conflict. Clearly recognizing and respecting these differences traumatically reduces confusion when dealing with the opposite sex. When you remember that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, everything can be explained.
Falling in love is always magical; it feels eternal. We naively believe that somehow we are exempt from the problems our parents had, free from the odds that love will die, assure that it‘s meant to be – we are destined to live forever happily ever after. But as the magic recedes and daily life takes over, it emerges that men continue to expect women to think and react like men and women expect men to feel and behave like women. We don’t take the time to understand and respect each other; we become demanding, resentful, judgmental and intolerant. We ask ourselves ‘How does it happen?’, ‘Why does it happen?’, ‘Why does this happen to us?’ To answer these questions, our greatest minds have developed brilliant and complex philosophical and psychological models, yet still the old patterns return and love dies. It happens to almost everyone. Very few people indeed are able to grow and love, yet, it does happen. When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences, then love has a chance to blossom.
For understanding the hidden differences of the opposite sex, we can more successfully give and receive the love that’s in our hearts. By validating and accepting our differences, creative solutions can be discovered whereby we can succeed in getting what we want. And more important, we can learn how to best love and support the people we care about. Love is magical, and it can last if we remember our differences.
The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don’t listen. Either a man completely ignores her when she speaks or he listens for a few bits, assesses what’s bothering her and then he proudly puts on his Mr. Fix-It-Hat and offers her a solution to make her feel better. No matter how many times she tells him that he’s not listening, he doesn’t get it and he keeps doing the same thing. She wants empathy; he thinks she wants solutions.
The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them. When a woman loves a man, she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She forms the home improvement committee and he becomes her primary focus. No matter how much he resist her help, she persist waiting for an opportunity to help him or tell him what to do. She thinks she’s nurturing him while he feels he’s being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance.
These two problems can finally be solved by first understanding why men offer solutions and why women seek to improve. Let’s pretend to go back in time and observe life on Mars and Venus. Before the planets discovered one another and came to Earth, we can gain some insights into men and women. Martians value power, competency, efficiency and achievement. Their sense of self is to find to their ability to achieve results. They experience fulfillment primarily through success and accomplishments. Achieving goals is very important to a Martian because it’s the way for him to prove his competence and thus feel good about himself. And for him to feel good about himself, he must achieve these goals alone by himself.
Autonomy is a symbol of efficiency, power and competence. Understanding this Martian characteristic can help women to understand why men resist so much being corrected or being told what to do. To offer men unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own. Men are very touchy about this because the issue of competence is so very important to them. Because he’s handling his problems on his own, a Martian rarely talks about his problems unless he needs expert advice. Asking for help when you can do it yourself is precede as a sign of weakness. However, if he truly does need help, then it’s a sign of wisdom to get it. In this case, he’ll find someone he respects and then talk about his problem.
Talking about a problem on Mars is an invitation for advice. Another Martian feels honored by the opportunity. Automatically he puts on his Mr. Fix-It-Hat, listens for a few bits and then offers some joules of advice. This Martian custom is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when a woman talks about her feelings or about her problems.
When a woman innocently shares upset feelings or explores out loud the problems of her day, a man mistakenly assumes she’s looking for some expert advice. He probably puts on his Mr. Fix-It-Hat and begins giving advice. This is his way of trying to help and of showing love. Once he’s offered a solution, however, and she continues to be upset, it becomes increasingly difficult for him to listen because his solutions are being rejected; he feels useless. He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and trust, he can be supportive. He does not know that on Venus, talking about problems is not an invitation to offer solution.
Venusians have different values. Their sense of self is to find through their feelings and the quality of their relationships and their communication. They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating. Communication is their primary importance. To share their personal feelings is much more important than achieving goals or success. Talking and relating to one another is a source of tremendous fulfillment. This fulfillment is hard for men to comprehend. He can come close to understanding a woman’s experience of sharing and relating by comparing it to the satisfaction he feels when he wins a race, achieves a goal or solves a problem.
Instead of being goal-oriented, women are relationship-oriented. They’re more concerned with expressing their goodness, their love, their caring. Venusians are very intuitive; they pride themselves on being considerate of the needs and feelings of others. A sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian without even being asked because proving one’s competence is not as important to a Venusian. Offering help is not offensive and needing help is not a sign of weakness.
A man, however, may feel offended when a woman offers advice because he doesn’t feel she trusts his ability to do it himself. A woman has no conception of this male sensitivity because for her it’s another feather in her hat if someone offers to help her and makes her feel loved and cherished. But offering help to a man can make him feel incompetent, weak or even unloved.
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